Wednesday, January 22, 2014

It's not you, it's ME.

I've been noticing something lately.  I read a lot of internet articles, see a lot of the things my female friends are posting on Facebook, hear comments from a lot of women, and I've noticed one thing.
 
Every single one of us feels judged.

We feel judged because we’re married, judged because we’re single, judged because we married young, judged because we married old, judged because we have one kid, judged because we have a lot of kids, judged because we homeschool, judged because we send our kids to public school, judged because we vaccinate, judged because we don’t vaccinate, judged because we breastfed, judged because we formula fed, judged because we’re stay-at-home moms, judged because we go to work.  I mean seriously, I have read an article from some woman pouring her heart out, defending her decision to do every single one of these things.  And I have just one thing to say.

Let’s stop.  Just stop.  Now. 

You see, I don’t think the actual problem is that we’re all judging each other’s decisions.  I think the problem with this "I feel judged by everybody because I live my life soooo differently than everyone else's" feeling, mainly comes from one person:  ourselves.  I think a lot of the problem (and I’m admitting this because it’s MY main problem) with the mommy wars, and women wars in general, is our own insecurity within ourselves.  It’s our own selfish, inward focus.  I personally have this problem.  I will be the first to admit it.  Someone posts an article about their decision to send their kids to public school.  Obviously, this friend on Facebook, whom I have actually spoken to once in real life in the past five years, posted that just for me to read, because she wants to point out how horrible I am for homeschooling my kids.  And then I read the article, and I think, maybe not even out loud, but subconsciously, “Am I really making the right decision to homeschool?  Am I scarring them for life?”  And so I take it as an attack.  Except, this person isn't even attacking me, or anyone else for that matter, she’s merely highlighting what worked for her and why.  But my own insecurities take it as an attack, and so what do I have to do to make myself feel better?  Tear that woman down.  Because my insecurity says, "I cannot be valuable, unless someone else is invaluable.  My decisions are not valid, unless someone else's are invalid."  And this my friends, is absurd.  It is ridiculous, and it is what makes women tear each other down, and hurt each other, and feel the need to defend every. little. thing. we. do.   

And so I’m asking, can we agree to stop?  Not stop tearing each other down, not stop posting articles supporting our decisions, but let’s stop wallowing in the pit of selfishness and self-doubt.  Let’s all say, “I am not going to give in to my insecurity.  I am a child of God.  I am loved just because I am a person.  Nothing I do is going to make me be loved any more or any less.”  Because when I rest in that, in the confidence that no matter what I do—good or bad—no matter what I achieve, no matter what I choose for my family, no matter what anyone else is doing, I am valuable.  And I think when I rest in that, I realize that most people aren't attacking me.  In fact, most people aren't even thinking of me at all.


So today, I’m saying to you: I don’t care if we have totally different parenting or life philosophies.  I don’t care if our choices seem vehemently opposed.  You are loved.  You are valuable.  And as long as your decisions are motivated by your love for your family and yourself, and not a desire to one-up the woman beside you, then that’s all that matters.  I will not take your decisions as an attack on mine, rather I will celebrate the differences that God made in all of us.  And I promise I will not validate my decisions by invalidating yours—not out loud, not on Facebook, not even in my head.  Because I am loved and valuable too…and I have my own issues to worry about, without worrying about yours.