Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Growing Up

I remember, in the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Gideon, telling someone that I wasn't sure I was ready for him to to be born.  "From the moment he's born, he'll spend the rest of his life leaving me."  That may be a slightly fatalist view of looking at life, but it has been more or less true.  It may be cliche, but it really does seem like just yesterday we brought Gideon home from the hospital, when in actuality it's been almost 6 years.  I was reminded of the speed with which they grow up, when a little over a week ago we reached two milestones that, when Gideon was born, I frankly thought would never come.

First, Gideon lost his first tooth.


I cried.  I remembered the day I realized that the reason my happy-go-lucky, excellent-sleeping-baby had turned into a sleepy, fussy monster, was because of those two little bottom teeth that had popped through.  I looked at that tooth my 5-year old Gideon was holding, while grinning from ear to ear, and thought, "That's the same exact tooth...the one that first came in unnoticed while I tried desperately and cluelessly to figure out why on earth my baby wouldn't stop crying."  He was so excited, and I was trying as hard as I could to get it together. 

Second, he learned to ride a bike without training wheels.  


I was in awe.  Greg had fixed his back wheel, and to do so, he had to take off the training wheels.  We asked Gideon if he wanted to try riding his bike without them.  It took one try.  After about 45 minutes, he'd figured out how to get on and start riding all by himself, and how to stop without crashing.  Then I let him ride down the lane alone.  Since he got his bike, he's been allowed to ride down the lane to the second telephone pole, but this time he was no longer racing down in his tricycle.  He was riding like a grown-up.  

And it happened in a flash.  I blinked and he was no longer baby or a toddler or even a preschooler anymore.

To be fair, I must say, I do love a lot of things that occur when they grow up.  I love that fact that I have three potty-trained children, none of whom have wet the bed in a long time.  (After changing sheets 1-3 times a night for almost two years, I really, really love this.)  Two of them can dress themselves, put away their own clothes, and make their bed.  We are also rapidly approaching the day when the boys can do the barn chores...without me.  These things I can handle about growing up.  

But the no longer needing me, the no longer wanting me, the no longer sitting in my lap and giving me sticky kisses, and leaving for college and marriage...these things I am not sure my heart can handle.  It's like teaching them to ride a bike.  You hold onto the seat, but sooner or later, you have to let go.  Then, they ride on their own...away from you.  

And so growing up is truly bittersweet.  A double-edged sword.  A dichotomy of joys and griefs.  I'm not the first parent to struggle with this journey, nor the last, and I pray I handle it with grace.  

And as Gideon sometimes reminds me when I jokingly ask him to stop getting older, "I'm sorry I have to grow up, Mom.  That's just how it goes."