We have a saying around our house. The kids have heard it at least a hundred times, and I'm sure that by the time we're done raising our children, we'll have said it at least a thousand times. "If you're going to be a part of this family, then you're going to have to help!" Our boys are expected to work hard and help out--around the house, at the barn, and wherever else someone may need them. There's too much to do around here for just two people to do. The boys do a multitude of chores from big tasks like watering, feeding baby goats, sweeping the barn, cleaning out the dog pen to little tasks like making their bed, clearing the table, picking up their toys, and putting their clean clothes away. As Gideon has gotten older, it's been exciting to see the new things he's capable of doing, and watching the boys all work together to accomplish harder tasks. Not to mention, it's a relief to not have to do everything myself! So how do we encourage helpfulness and a strong work ethic in our boys? What are some things that have worked for us? Here are five things we do to help our children learn the importance of helping and working:
I'm a perfectionist. I'm also always in a hurry. But, to include your kids you have to lower your standards and slow down. Lincoln is almost four, but he loves to help. In the winter, when he can't be outside (his favorite place), he loves to help me in the kitchen. He also loves to make a mess and is the slowest mover of all of our children. So when Lincoln "helps" me in the kitchen, he more often than not creates more work for me or makes me take twice as long. None of this really matters. What matters is the lessons I teach him, as I grit my teeth, and (semi) patiently watch him fill a measuring cup with flour (and cover the counter, and the floor, and his clothes). He's not just learning how to make supper. He's learning that he's important to me; that there's room for him to make mistakes and learn; that his help is valuable to me. Teaching my kids tasks is sometimes exhausting. They will break things. They will totally mess it up. It takes a lot longer than if I just did it myself. But teaching them independence is so much more important than whether or not they got their covers completely wrinkle-free when they made their beds.
When the boys complete a task, even if it's not done perfectly, we thank them and tell them they did a good job. Nothing is more demoralizing than completing a task (especially one you might not have wanted to do in the first place), and then being told all the things you did wrong. So we always tell our boys thank you for helping. We also tell them they did a good job. If they're struggling, or they did a sloppy job, I may offer suggestions for how they can do something more easily, but that's it. I refuse to swoop in, sigh, and say, "Just let me do it." Or, "Hey, you missed a spot over here, here, here and here." Yes, we have to train our boys so that they know how to set the table, clean the bathroom sink, or feed baby goats. But, if we always meet their accomplishments with criticism, our boys will just give up before they've even started. Hearing encouragement (even when they don't do things perfectly) helps foster in them a helpful spirit, a strong self-esteem, and courage to try new things.
3. Make things easier for them
Lincoln feeds the baby goats. He gets their little feed pans our of their pen, brings them to the milk room, fills them with feed, and then takes them back to the kid pen. But, he couldn't climb the fence into the pen while holding the pans of feed, so he always had to set them down and let me finish his task. One day, I went to do this, when I realized the goat kids were sticking their heads through the hole in the wire fence and eating out of the pan. Lincoln didn't need to put the pans back in the pen! I was making it way to difficult. Now, I just let him set the pans right outside their pen. The kids get fed, and Lincoln can complete this task 100% by himself. The problem wasn't him; it was my method. So I made things easier for him. My kids sometimes would get up while I was still in the shower, and some mornings they wanted to get their own cereal (when we have it). But they couldn't reach the bowls. So I moved them from the top of the cabinet to under the sink. So now, they can get their own cereal. I put a row of hooks at just their height in the laundry room, along with a shelf with cubby holes for all their shoes. When we come home, now they can, and are expected to, hang up their own coat, and put away their own shoes. The problem isn't always that my boys aren't capable of something, but that I just need to change one part of the process to make it easier for them to accomplish. Sometimes, I must step aside and think, "How can I make this easier for their little hands, legs, and bodies?"
4. Expect their help
I have too often been guilty of thinking that my kids weren't old enough or capable enough to accomplish a task. Then I realized, I was the reason they weren't being more helpful. When I started thinking they could complete certain tasks and expecting them to do certain things, I realized that they all got a lot more helpful. Gideon has had the job of watering the goats for a while now. When we do the milking, he does the watering. But there's one pen I always do. Right now, we have one goat penned up alone. I water her, because I have to open the door to her pen, and stand in the way to keep her from getting out while I fill up her water bucket. Last night, I made Gideon do it. I was milking, and I heard him say, "Shocker's out!" I expected him to call for help. But he put her back in the pen, filled up her bucket, and shut the door, all by himself. He did it because I expected him to. All this time, I've been doing it for him, but all I had to do was let him try it. I find that my boys usually pleasantly surprise me with all that are actually capable of doing, if I just give them a chance.
5. Reward them
Right now, we pay our children randomly for more difficult jobs that they get done. When they get a little older, they'll receive a weekly "salary" for the work they do. This money is not only a reward, but also a way to teach them how to handle their finances, how to save, and how to give. We also reward with certain privileges, surprises, and I will shamelessly admit it--candy. Our boys work hard, but they aren't slaves. Some things don't receive a reward. There are some things in life that have to be done, whether or not we receive a reward or even a thank you. But, for the times when they complete an extra difficult job or consistently do a good job or have a good attitude while completely a mundane task, rewards are well-deserved.
Now, some of you may have gotten to the end of this, and think that Greg and I must be terrible taskmasters who use our children as nothing but slave labor. So, I'll tell you a funny story to lighten the mood. One day, Gideon had finished shoveling out the dog's pen and re-bedding it with new straw. Greg was discussing his payment with him.
Greg: I'll give you a dollar for cleaning out the pen.
Gideon: No, how about five dollars?
Greg: Five whole dollars?
Me: That is an awful big chore for a 5 year old to do. You should at least give him two dollars. (I'm so generous, I know.)
Gideon: How about thirty dollars?
Greg: Thirty dollars? You're way too expensive. You're fired! Lincoln, will you work for two dollars?
Lincoln: No! Seventeen dollars!!
Greg: Seventeen?! You're fired too. Canaan? Will you work for two dollars?
Canaan: SEV'TEEN!!
Hey, I may be shamelessly raising them to do all my work, but at least I'm not raising any dummies!
Love it!
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